The Majors AKA - My Oscars
Here we arrive at another end of a movie year. Although I usually consider December 31st the end of a given year the movies decide they should wait until a couple months into the new year to truly end it and kudos to them because measurements of time are all made up things anyway so make them what you want.
I don’t do all the same categories, or as many, as the Oscars. But I do a few they should do. I have 20 awards. 13 original Oscar categories and then a couple I’ve consolidated and a couple I’ve added.
martin short hosts the Majors
Our host, Martin Short, enters and welcomes everyone. He makes some great faces and jokes and says we should all rot in hell for doing what we are doing but at least we will have sweet sweet gold and recognition we played pretend.
james caan presenting at the Majors
He welcomes James Caan onto the stage to present the Best Casting award.
BEST CASTING NOMINEES
Dune by Francine Maisler
The French Dispatch by Antoinette Boulat
Licorice Pizza by Cassandra Kulukundis
No Sudden Move by Carmen Cuba
Wrath of Man by Chelsea Ellis Bloch
James Caan announces Licorice Pizza and Cassandra comes up to accept the tiny golden me.
BEST CASTING - LICORICE PIZZA
harriet sansom harris receiving the call about casting award for Licorice Pizza
Next we have Best Debut Feature, and Caan stays to say
BEST DEBUT FEATURE NOMINEES
Hit the Road by Panah Panahi
The Humans by Stephen Karam
John and the Hole by Pascual Sisto
Pig by Michael Sarnoski
Violation by Madeline Sims-Fewer & Dusty Mancinelli
Mr. Caan improvises “I haven’t seen this one myself, but I will after this.” and announces
BEST DEBUT FEATURE - VIOLATION
Madeline Sims-Fewer and Dusty Mancinelli on the Majors red carpet.
We have our first ad for TC Tuggers. Tim Robinson comes out and does the whole thing. Then Bob Odenkirk comes out to announce
tc tugger’s dance crew on stage chanting “tug, tug, tug!”
BEST COMEDY NOMINEES
Bad Trip
Barb & Star Go to Vista Del Mar
The French Dispatch
Licorice Pizza
Red Rocket
Eric Andre being confronted about winning best comedy said “it was supposed to be a drama about the housing crisis. No one understands my art.”
BEST COMEDY - BAD TRIP
Mr. Odenkirk says “Eric Andre is a funny guy.” as the Bad Trip team leaves the stage. He stays to announce
BEST ANIMATED FILM NOMINEES
Cryptozoo
Flee
Mad God
The Mitchells vs The Machines
The Summit of the Gods
BEST ANIMATED FILM - MAD GOD
Tim Robinson comes out again and does an ad for Corn Cob TV, he says they will have a special presentation of Coffin Flop later.
Carrie Coon holding an unidentified award at the Majors that no one asked her to bring
Carrie Coon walks out and explains how she knew costumes and makeup were important but not until working on a show in another period did she realize- then gets cut off by Natasha Leggero and says that’s money in my pocket! Her and Riki Lindholme come out and do a bit about Another Period being the most popular show ever and are happy to take this from Carrie Coon who is on Downturn Abbey more like! and then Justin Theroux, Morgan Spector, Jude Law, and Lee Pace all come out to defend Carrie and then Natasha and Riki just hit on them the whole time. Eventually all leave except Lee Pace who points at the crowd and Channing Tatum says “who me?” and Tatum walks up and kisses Lee Pace on the mouth and then they announce
BEST COSTUME NOMINEES
Annette by Pascaline Chavanne
The French Dispatch by Malina Canonero
The Green Knight by Malgosia Turzanska
Spencer by Jacqueline Durran
West Side Story by David Davenport
BEST COSTUMES - WEST SIDE STORY
Now Channing says
BEST MAKEUP NOMINEES
Annette by Bernard Floch
Spencer by Stacey Panepinto
Titane by Flore Masson
West Side Story by Judy Chin
Zola by Rashida Bolden
BEST MAKEUP - SPENCER
Kristen Stewart when someone said “hi!” at The Majors
Channing and Lee Pace walk hand in hand off the stage but pass Tim Robinson with pants on with 2 dots on them and Channing says “nice pee pants!” and keeps walking and Tim Robinson begins to explain the pants but Channing turns around and point at his crotch to see that he’s also wearing a pair of the calico cut pants.
Now Tommy Lee Jones and Debra Winger walk out onto the stage. They both look at each other like they aren’t sure of one another. They look out at the crowd. Back to each other. Then sigh. Then they walk off and Keanu Reeves comes out fighting Brendan Fraser and they stop as applause is happening and both say they should stop since they are getting too old for this. Then they say
Fraser and Reeves back stage at the Majors
BEST STUNTS OR CHOREOGRAPHY
Bad Trip
The Last Duel
Malignant
Nobody
West Side Story
Keanu Reeves hands the card to Fraser who says
BEST STUNTS OR CHOREOGRAPHY - Nobody
Bob Odenkirk backseat directing during the filming of Nobody, where according to sources, he would have to be held down to get the cheese sandwiches taken from him so they could continue filming.
Keanu says he is so glad he got to be apart of such groundbreaking moviemaking like The Matrix and Brendan says he is the same but for The Mummy. Keanu says “is that really that groundbreaking?” and Brendan says, “BUGS”
BEST EFFECTS
The Green Knight
Malignant
Nobody
Old
Wrath of Man
BEST EFFECTS - THE GREEN KNIGHT
the titular character which was made of old cracker barrel rocking chairs and spray painted the color of fish
Keanu and Brendan walk off talking to one another when music kicks on. It’s the score from There Will Be Blood, they start walking faster and then it stops and Cooper Hoffman comes walking by to the score of The Master, who then stops at a bar and the bartender turns around and it’s Michael Sheen as the Inglourious Basterds music starts playing and then Michael Keaton sits next to him and takes a sip as the Beetlejuice theme kicks on and spits it out and storms onto the stage and says “music is more important than almost anything in movies. Except pouty lipped 70 year old sex symbols still playing batman, motherfuckers!” and it isn’t bleeped because it was off the cuff. He announces
BEST SCORE NOMINEES
Annette by Sparks
Dune by Hans Zimmer
Licorice Pizza by Jonny Greenwood
No Sudden Move by David Holmes
Titane by Jim Williams
BEST SCORE - ANNETTE
Keaton is now joined on stage by Pam Grier who share smiles and make sweet small talk and get kind of lost in each other then Samuel L Jackson, wearing a headset and holding a clipboard, pops in from side stage and says “would you two love birds announce the next award please. I am getting paid less and less by the hour.”
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN NOMINEES
Dune by Patrice Vermette
The French Dispatch by Adam Stockhausen
No Time to Die by Mark Tildesly
The Tragedy of Macbeth by Stefan Duchant
West Side Story by Adam Stockhausen
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN - THE FRENCH DISPATCH
Pam Grier introduces Janelle Monae to come out and sing So May We Start with Sparks.
Bill Camp right before juggling
Now Martin Short comes back and says this was the easiest 10 million he ever made then says “here’s Bill Camp!”
Bill Camp comes out and juggles. He says he’s always wanted to do that. Now here’s Kirsten Johnson.
Kirsten Johnson, the director of Cameraperson and Dick Johnson is Dead comes out and announces
BEST DOCUMENTARY NOMINEES
Procession
Rebel Hearts
The Sparks Brothers
Summer of Soul
Try Harder!
Kirsten Johnson says that Major didn’t watch enough documentaries but these will do and says
BEST DOCUMENTARY - PROCESSION
She asks that we all understand the camera is a portal. Nothing else. then announces
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY NOMINEES
Annette by Caroline Champetier
The Hand of God by Daria D’Antonio
Licorice Pizza by Paul Thomas Anderson
Red Rocket by Drew Daniels
Titane by Ruben Impens
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - THE HAND OF GOD
Thelma Schoomaker and Paul Schrader come out. Paul is wearing his eye patch from surgery and Thelma is smiling and holding his oxygen tank. She asks Paul if he should be presenting since he has a movie in contention. A voiceover comes loud over the speakers of Willem Dafoe into an internal monologue Paul is having about the whole process it’s fun. Then Paul says
BEST SCREENPLAY NOMINEES
Annette by Ron and Russell Mael
Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn by Radu Jude
Licorice Pizza by Paul Thomas Anderson
Titane by Julia Ducournau
The Worst Person in the World by Joachim Trier
BEST SCREENPLAY - ANNETTE
Sparks and director Leos Carax upon hearing the good news
Paul asks Thelma is she could edit any of these movies better. She says she can’t say and wouldn’t. Dafoe voiceover says “YES” emphatically.
Willem Dafoe doing the voiceover bit backstage at the Majors
BEST EDITING NOMINEES
The French Dispatch by Andrew Weisblum
Licorice Pizza by Andy Jurgensen
Quo Vadis, Aida? by Jarislow Kaminski
Titane by Jean-Christophe Bousey
The Worst Person in the World by Olivier Bugge Coutier
BEST EDITING - THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD
director Joachim Trier and star Renate Reinsve happy for their editor upon the win
Schrader and Schoomaker are both slowly helped off stage as Martin Short says Steve Martin couldn’t be here tonight because he is tied up backstage and we see Robert De Niro pop up in a mustache Rupert Pupkin style and shush the crowd.
Michael Stuhlbarg and Rachel Weisz come out and are no nonsense but then do a little dance to a song by Sparks and then announce
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR NOMINEES
Richard Ayoade in The Souvenir Part 2
Bradley Cooper in Licorice Pizza
Vincent Lindon in Titane
Dan Stevens in I’m Your Man
Jeffrey Wright in The French Dispatch
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - VINCENT LINDON IN TITANE
Vincent Lindon in New York avoiding the Majors because he’s terrified of winning awards
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINEES
Ariana DeBose in West Side Story
Kathryn Hunter in The Tragedy of Macbeth
Harriet Sansom Harris in Licorice Pizza
Riley Keough in Zola
Lea Seydoux in The French Dispatch & No Time to Die
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - LEA SEYDOUX IN THE FRENCH DISPATCH & NO TIME TO DIE
Lea Seydoux when asked how it felt to win a Major “éloigne-toi de moi, slob."
Nina Hoss and Delroy Lindo come out and would not agree to do any bits and right before they say anything Tim Robinson bursts out with a special edition of Coffin Flop live in the theater and coffins come out of each exit door and stage side and bodies fall out and 1 of 5 of them are nude and then begrudgingly Delroy Lindo says
BEST ACTOR NOMINEES
Nicolas Cage in Pig
Adam Driver in Annette
Oscar Isaac in The Card Counter
Jason Isaacs in Mass
Simon Rex in Red Rocket
BEST ACTOR - ADAM DRIVER IN ANNETTE
Adam Driver causing me to lose my deposit on the place i rented by breaking the no smoking rule
BEST ACTRESS NOMINEES
Olivia Colman in The Lost Daughter
Jasna Duricic in Quo Vadis, Aida?
Rebecca Hall in The Night House
Renate Reinsve in The Worst Person in the World
Kristen Stewart in Spencer
BEST ACTRESS - REBECCA HALL IN THE NIGHT HOUSE
Rebecca Hall was high as hell and only came because I said Meryl Streep would be here but was happy to take home the award.
Michael Haneke steps out and turns right around like the Simpsons meme and instead Mary Harron pops in to announce
BEST DIRECTOR NOMINEES
Paul Thomas Anderson for Licorice Pizza
Wes Anderson for The French Dispatch
Leos Carax for Annette
Julia Ducournau for Titane
Paolo Sorrentino for The Hand of God
BEST DIRECTOR - PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON FOR LICORICE PIZZA
Paul Thomas Anderson holding two bear statues he brought from home after throwing his Major in the trash.
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES
nope Tim Robinson comes out and does a coffin flop bukkake again and everyone loves it. They rip out their seats and scream in delight
coffin flop bukkake
Now after everyone gets settled again. We announce!
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES
Annette
The Hand of God
Licorice Pizza
Quo Vadis, Aida?
The Worst Person in the World
BEST PICTURE WINNER
ANNETTE
The cast and director of Annette congratulating each other for 27 straight minutes even after I had paid to be there and had to pay a fee for being there after midnight…
And baby Annette comes down from the rafters and sings Roses with OutKast as they reunite with Sparks as the band plays us out.
Thanks for coming.
Nominations counter
Licorice Pizza - 10, two wins
Annette - 8, four wins
The French Dispatch - 8, two wins
Titane - 7, one win
West Side Story - 5, one win
The Worst Person in the World - 4, one win
Dune - 3
The Hand of God - 3, one win
Quo Vadis, Aida? - 3
Red Rocket - 3
Spencer - 3, one win
Bad Trip - 2, one win
The Green Knight - 2, one win
Malignant - 2
No Sudden Move - 2
No Time to Die - 2, one win
Nobody - 2, one win
Pig - 2
The Tragedy of Macbeth - 2
Wrath of Man - 2
Zola - 2
Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
The Card Counter
Cryptozoo
Flee
Hit the Road
The Humans
I’m Your Man
John and the Hole
The Last Duel
Mad God, win
Mass
Mitchells vs the Machines
Old
Procession, win
Rebel Hearts
The Souvenir Part 2
The Sparks Brothers
Summer of Soul
Summit of the Gods
Try Harder!
Violation, win